North Carolina Days

Had a wonderful side trip today. We visite an historical grist mill still operating here near Winston-Salem, NC.

Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, 5-6 at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. Definition: The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Some days are just like this...

Rejection lines women use, plus translations.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing kid in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

Thanks Miss C

Why We Love Children

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, She’s hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Thanks Bits and Pieces

Cold is a Relative Term

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome
the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath
- Californians shiver uncontrollably
- Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes
- Californians weep pitiably
- Minnesotans eat ice cream
- Canadians go swimming
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
- New York City water freezes
- Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start
- Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
- Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
- Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
- Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
- Politicians actually do something about the homeless
- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
- Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
- You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
- Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
- Minnesotans button top button
- Canadians put on sweaters
- Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
- Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
- Polar bears move South
- Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

World's most dangerous SOB...

And the free world just keeps talking to this "idiot"...Iran takes in more money talking, threatening about their nuclear program than they do from oil...and the world just continues to be sucked it... Obviously, there must be something I don't quite understand....

Aging

"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
About 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
About 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can
Almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering
How much stronger I'm gonna get!"

I, personally, hope not a lot stronger.. It's frustrating. Aging is a process where you suddenly look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Damn, I am my father/mother." Was for me anyway. The other thing I can't get used to is accounting for the 45 years I seem to have forgotten as they passed. I remember vividly some parts of my childhood, elementary school, high School and the good parts of college, my wedding day, my honeymoon and the birth of my kids. That's sort of where it ends though and apparently in there somewhere the kids all grew up, married and had kids of their own. They went to college, became professionals and got to be successful... I remember paying the bills and worrying about where the tuition was coming from, the heartbreak of them leaving home and dragging them back and forth to college. In between, the growing up years are sort of vague.

I do remember having all three of them in grade six and them worrying about whether to call me Mr. Gross or Dad? Not a real heavy decision there either as most of their friends called me Dad most days, too. Now, as a retired Grandpa, I look at the three grandkids and think, my lord where and when did they get here. Although I do remember the births of all three, because we had the honor of being present for their arrival in the world. Just don't ask me to describe certain occurrences on the girls growing years before marriage etc.. It all seems to be a fog...

Cindy Started

Former student started to blog...She's funny, sweet and enjoys being a mother. Her kids enjoy keeping her on her toes and the puppy does his thing daily. In grade 6, 134 years ago, she liked to write "stuff'. She was always a red headed little spit fire and kept people informed as to what was correct and incorrect. (according to the gospel of Cindy) So let's wish her luck and lots of funny stuff...

Good Luck Cindy Lou Who
Thou Shalt Not Parrish

Christmas 2010

Retirement allows some free time. Christmas over for another year.. Merchants will begin the shopping season in a month or so for next year. Some stores had Valentine's Day out before the Christmas shopping was finished. Free time allows thinking time. Thinking time causes issues.

1. Where did we go wrong? I can remember only one Christmas morning, yes, just one. I received my first rifle.. 22 caliber, single shot. (still have it and it still works well) We were allowed to request one "big" gift from Santa. Today's child has a data base they draw from to print out the letter to Santa.

Children today would boycott the holiday if only one big gift was received. Child services would be called and parents would be sternly warned about child abuse..Must have a room full of "gifts". Well some would.

2. How in the world did we live without cell phones. They're all smart now. Even I'm guilty of having a smart phone and use it for many chores.. mostly calling and playing poker when bored. The MP3 player works great to listen to my tunes too. However, just imagine the uproar if suddenly the cell phone disappeared. BIP, gone. Pure panic would ensue. Having a land line in the home now is becoming unnecessary. Tempted to do away with ours.

3. Games, video and so on..The entertainment consoles become more and more realistic. Remember the excitement we experienced when the first pong game appeared? Now days you can bowl in your own living room and it's as realistic as the bowling alley. I think I'd rather bowl at home and I imagine more and more people are doing just that...Golf... Cheeses Kryst, I threw away my clubs, (plain old steel shafts). Don't even need clubs now, just hold the remote. GD game even has wind and other hazards that I hit just as readily with the remote as I did with the "old" clubs.. My 5 year old grandsons can follow in Tiger's footsteps. That realistic. I don't stand a chance with any of the grandkids. The one grandson changes games on me if I'm winning. Can't win there either.

4. And finally, computers. My life would be totally in shambles with out mine. We have a least one in practically every room. They are at a point now of taking over our lives. Artificial intelligence will take over the world, machines..I remember when the microwave oven was introduced and we all wondered what in hell we'd do with the thing. Computer's the same story now days. We never left the house to Christmas shop this year. All online, 99.9% anyway.Banking, paying bills, all done with the computer.. Not bad for something that 25 years ago was in its infancy.

So there we have the issues taking up my thoughts at the moment. The world's full of issues though, isn't it?? Here's hoping your new year is a happy one and that your computer doesn't spit up and die on you.. Tragedy..

Squirrel Story

A friend of ours in NC is having squirrel problems and hates them. She has been on a rifle carrying campaign to eradicate the species. They sent me a video to please share with her on Facebook. I thought they made a pretty fair case for themselves.